The Long Goodbye

My Daddy and Me - January 2009

My daddy went home to be with the Lord on December 18.  Just a few days prior my sister and I felt compelled to go visit him.  It had been almost a week since we'd visited him.  He was non-responsive during our visit, and we asked the nurse at his nursing home how long he had been that way.  She claimed he was probably just tired from being up all day.  It was rather strange that he should have been THAT tired.  However, the next day we got a call from the hospice nurse telling us that Daddy had remained unresponsive - had been so for a few days, and hadn't eaten at all for those same few days.  She was preparing us that Daddy's time was short.  And short it was.  He lived another 30 hours, and slipped away quietly.  I started to write this blog on him just days prior to our initial visit.  I think I'd like to continue to share what we experienced these last several years:

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His body is now frail and feeble, his hair a beautiful shade of white silver.  His hands are curled into fists, and so cold.  He doesn't speak anymore, he mostly stares.  His once beautiful smiling brown eyes with gold flecks are now clouded over, just as much as is his mind.  We walk into his room now, and I'm not so sure he recognizes us, other than we are the nice people who visit him often - if he remembers that.  He hasn't known our names now for quite a while. 

My father suffers from Alzheimer's disease.  I so hate that disease!  It robs us of him, and him of his memories and even his life.  I remember asking him a few years ago if he knew my name - maybe I should not have asked - I watched him struggle trying to make his mind remember.  He looked at me in despair, I just told him - "it's okay, Daddy.  Just know I love you."  He smiled, but I could see the disappointment in his eyes.



Father's Day Dinner
2013

Several years ago my dad suffered a heart-attack.  He subsequently had quintuple by-pass surgery.  Studies are revealing now that during open-heart surgery, the brain lacks oxygen for that split second when the heart is stopped and the body becomes dependent on the by-pass machine.  Later, many heart surgery patients seem to suffer from different dementias, including Alzheimer's.  My daddy is one of those patients.  A few years after his surgery we noticed Daddy was getting quite forgetful.  Mom did her best to cover for Dad, but after her death the disease became most prevalent.  No one was around to cover it. 

After an unfortunate incident at a nursing home, Daddy came to live with Jody, my sister, and me in in the winter of 2011.  We thought we'd be able to take care of him. And things were going well, but one night he got out of my locked house and wandered.  Fortunately, Jody woke up around midnight and noticed that Daddy wasn't in his bed.  She quickly woke me - and after looking around outside and around the block - we called the police, and then started looking farther throughout the neighborhood.  Several hours later he was found about five miles from my house.  He was trying to find his way home, and ended up at a Fina gas station in a not-so great area of town.  His angels must have been working OT to keep him safe.  A little man walking around with slippers and in his pj's must have looked a little strange.  Luckily, the cashier noticed that Daddy looked confused, and rather than thinking he was a bum and chasing him out, he called the police letting them know that a man was there who seemed confused.  Reluctantly we realized he needed to be in a facility that was truly capable of handling Alzheimer's patients. 

Though his care was very good, Daddy's disease has just taken its toll on his memory.  Where he used to read his Bible constantly and carefully, he now lays in bed and stares.  Where he once walked about, now he is dependent on someone to carry him out of bed and into a wheelchair.  I have to wonder if it's just as easy for staff to let him lay in bed throughout the day rather than lifting him out of bed.  Where once we could talk to him about his day, and ask him memories of the pasts, he struggles with thoughts in his mind, and has taken to pursing his lips as to start whistling.  Even whistling - he used to whistle the most beautiful melodies.  Now he just purses his lips - no sound coming out. 


Daddy, Robert, and me
May, 2014

I often wonder if we did the right thing by allowing Daddy to have surgery.  Yes, it prolonged his life, and we had him in our lives for several really good years!  But his state of living now - it's painful to see.  I realize he probably doesn't even realize what's going on in his life.  But what about those days when he is aware and cognizant of his surroundings?  Surely there are a few of those days. Growing up Daddy used to talk often about going to heaven and being with his Lord and Savior.  It is something he has always looked forward to.  Did we do right by delaying his eternal life?  I just have to remind myself that God holds the keys to life and death.  It is His determination when Daddy dies, not mine.  I just hate that I see him in his present state.  I would have rather remember what he was like growing up, or even in my adult life.  Do I cherish even these days?  Yes, I do - and I am happy for every day that we still have him.  But when he does leave "the surly bonds of earth, and [finally] touches the face of God", I will be so happy for him and the life he lived.

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Prologue:  As previously stated, Daddy did leave these "surly bonds of earth.  He now happily is reunited with the love of his life - my mom.  He has also joined my brother that passed away several years ago, and several happy family members.  Daddy's life was a testimony of God's redeeming grace and mercy. He was a humble servant, not only to us, his family, but to the community at large.  We siblings made a video where we each remembered things about his life that meant the world to us.  It was played during his funeral.  We were so fortunate to have such a wonderful father.  He was - in every way, and every day of my life - an example of what a Great Father is suppose to be, and what my Heavenly Father is like: loving, kind, long suffering, and patient - knows how and when to discipline - not for his sake, but for mine.  I will miss Daddy every day that passes.   But I am grateful for the time we had him here - in our lives, molding and shaping us to be the best we could be.
"Rest now Daddy.  Your work here on earth is done; you are now finally home!"


Daddy and Momma - Reunited Dec 18, 2014