Rest In Peace, My Little Boy....

 

Update to previous post: "Learning to Say Goodbye"

 

"Chewy"



My faithful friend Chewy passed from this life at 11:25 in the morning, March 17, 2014.  My little Chew-Boo - who I had the privilege of watching him grow from a  little puppy to my faithful companion for 10 years. 

 

***********

My little Chewy:  every morning he used to greet me with a lick on my nose and a touch on my elbow.  Every evening when I'd return from work, there he'd be - at the door waiting for me to open it, and then he'd dance his little jig - flipping a twirl and squealing with excitement as he'd jump up on his little hind legs  and with his front legs outstretched begging for me to pick him up.  What a joy to return home to him!! It was as though he would scream, "momma's home!  momma's home!!" 

 

But on this morning, he didn't greet me with a lick on my nose: instead I awoke to sounds of him struggling through an early morning seizure that was set off by his brain tumor.  All I could do was hold him close as his little body convulsed.  When the seizure subsided he relaxed and let me hold him as he buried his head between my neck and my pillow.  But too quickly he suffered another seizure, and then a third.  It became very apparent that the decision to end his suffering - which was most heart wrenching - had unfortunately come - and for me it came too soon.  I didn't want to let him go, but keeping him alive would only have been for my sake, and so unfair to him.  Just watching him struggle as he deteriorated so quickly was painful.  The only proper decision was to fulfill my promise to him.  

 

I wrapped him in his blanket and held him as my sister drove us to the vet clinic.  With tear-filled eyes I smiled down at him, and he seemed to reassure me that everything would be alright as he looked at me with those big black eyes ... and then he licked my nose with his little pink tongue - one last time.  I kept my promise and stayed with him as the drug was administered through his vein; I held his little head as he fell limp and as he drifted off to sleep ... and I kissed his little wet nose as his little body lay on the bed. 

 

************** 

I truly believe that one day I will see my little Chewy again.  Yes, once again, he will be waiting for me at the door; he will stand on his little hind legs with his front legs outstretched begging for me to pick him up - and with his little scream of delight as if to say - "momma's home - momma's home!!"  And I will pick him up and hold him close as he looks at me with those bright little black eyes, and licks my nose with that little pink tongue - yet once again!!   "Yes, Chewy!!  Momma's Home!!" 



Rest, now, my little boy....

Learning to Say "Goodbye"

My Little Friend Chewy and me! Whose haircut looks nicer!

Anyone who has read my blog knows and has seen pictures of my little dog Chewy.  He brightens my days - starting early in the mornings.  He sleeps with me every night that I'm home, and I miss him as much as he misses me when I'm gone.  Little Chew-Boo (one of several names I call him) greets me at the door when I return home everyday, or at the airport when I return home from a trip abroad. The old adage "dog is man's best friend" might want to add "and woman's too!"  Chewy is - without a doubt - my best friend. 

Chewy is the first dog I've ever had from the puppy stage to older adult dog.  He already had his name when I got him, otherwise I would have named him Bear, or Jack, or some he-dog name.  But Chewy stuck.  Got to admit, he does look like Chewy from the Star Wars movies.  For the little squirt he is, Chewy truly believes he is my protector.  He hates my lawn guy - well, except when I'm not home; he'll bark ferociously even at loved ones until they call him out at his crime, then Chewy will whine like the little baby dog he is, and runs to me for protection. I can't help but roll my eyes when he does that, and pick him up for assurance -such the guard dog!!

Dance with me!!!

I think some time in the last 10 years I forgot that Chewy is getting older.  He's always been my little boy - my best boy, as I like to remind him.  Probably his small stature keeps him looking young - ageless.  We get gray hairs and wrinkles, he was born with gray hair.  

Unfortunately, several weeks ago, Chewy gave me a fright when he started convulsing from a seizure.  At first I thought he was choking from something, and screamed to my sister for help. I held firmly to him as she tried sticking her finger down his throat to make sure there was nothing obstructing his breathing, which there wasn't.  All I could do was hold him as his little body twitched and convulsed ( I later learned from the vet that I shouldn't hold him just in case he bites me as his loses control).  Once the seizure stopped - what seemed like several minutes - probably more like very few minutes - we rushed him to the vet.  After a blood test, she gave him drugs to try controlling the seizures.  And they seemed to help - for about a week.  Nevertheless, the beginning of the next week the seizures returned, and with a vengeance.  After suffering from multiple minor and finally a major seizures in one day I took him to the Pet Hospital.  The vet on call gave me the sobering news that an overwhelming percentage of dogs that develop seizures at his age are most likely suffering from a brain tumor.  But because of his age and the costs involved, surgery isn't an option.  So, more drugs were administered, with notes of how to care for him, and to realize his end is sooner than I would have ever imagined.  I questioned when that time would come, and the vet said when the quality of his life diminishes to the point where putting him to sleep is the most humane option.  GULP!!


If I stand on this gizmo,
maybe it will stop shaking!!!

I've never watched or seen a pet die.  Ironically, I've watched two loved ones pass through this life to the next - but not a pet.  I know that cats have an inate ability to know when their time has come, and often leave their families and homes to pass on alone.  It's as though they don't want their family members to suffer from their loss - as if a lost cat doesn't make a family suffer.  We definitely had pets and many have died, but with many brothers and a sister, the pets often ran away - probably for their own sanity!!  I think while growing up we often think life goes on forever.  Pets don't die, they just run away.  Fish - well, fish aren't really pets.  Try pulling a fish out of the water and petting it, or taking it out for walks.  But dogs are faithful no matter what we do to them. Chewy has been my faithful friend for ten years now.  He's never been the prettiest of dogs, but he's adorable to me.  And he loves me no matter what!

Hark!!  who's that I hear???

I am honestly dreading the day I will have to say goodbye to Chewy.  We humans have "white coat syndrome" when we visit the doctor, dogs have the same syndrome.  How will I react when the nurse takes him from my hands?  Will they allow me to carry him back there?  Do I hold his head as drugs are administered, or do I just walk out of the door crying, which I will do either way; but then I realized, I don't want him dying alone.  I have to be there with him, there's no question about it.  The vet won't walk him back there, I will do it.  I will hold him as the vet starts administering his drugs.  I will kiss his little wet nose as he drifts off to sleep for the last time.  And  I will take him to his final resting place.

But until that day, I will be grateful for his excitement when I get home.  I will pick him up and hold him tight - and even let him lick my nose!   I won't even complain when he doesn't obey and wants to follow me to the bathroom even though I tell him to "stay!".  I will enjoy everything about him, because there will come that day when I won't hear him scream when I come home;  that he won't follow me to the bathroom and not 'stay', or that I won't hold him close, or let him lick my nose.  It's all a part of the process of learning to say 'goodbye.'



Here's to a New Year!!

Hello all!! My little Chewy and Me Wishing
You a Happy 2014!!!

Isn't it funny how we who blog start off by saying we're going to blog as much as possible - some say every week, others are not so quick to state a quantity.  I started mine in late 2012, so it's been a year since I initiated this blog.  There were times that I blogged every week, other times, it was maybe once a month.  Mostly I blogged due to something that intrigued me, something I was going through, or just wanted to bloviate.  Well, it's been almost six months since my last blog.

It's not a bad thing to hope that we will be diligent at something like a maintaining a blog spot, nor is it bad to let it go for a while.  There are so many reasons why we do let them linger with no new posts.  I can state unequivocally that I've been out of town on several occasions - all for work.  I've been to 10 states I've never visited, and others that I enjoy on several other occasions.  I've even received two stamps on my passport!!  I've even decided that where I want to live when it's time to retire - Rota, Spain!! 

So here's a thought - why do people blog?  Do we really think we have things to share with others that is worth reading?  Maybe we do!  I have a friend read my previous blogs and remarked how much she liked, agreed, and appreciated them. I opened my blog this morning, and voila, it's been read several times since my last posting.  So someone(s) is/are reading them.  Some blogs are insightful, some are so popular they are being circulated as a newsletter.  Mine's isn't at that level, and will likely never be.  But it's mine, and I can bloviate all I want to on it!!  And people actually read them.  Thank You! I really do appreciate it.

 

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HAPPY 2014!!!

Today starts a new year - "2014"!!!  I will state - unequivocally - that I will do my darndest to write my musings when something amuses me!  Last year it was bridges, shells, birds, apologies, matters of the heart.  Who knows what it will be this year, but I resolve to post on my blog as much as I can.

So with the new year comes new resolutions (or revolutions like the cute little boy on the AT&T commercial).  I'm not a fan of resolutions because too often we become disillusioned by our lack of resolve - that we break them within the first month.  How many gym memberships go unused after February 15 (random date)?  Or how many diets are blown by the end of January 23 (another random date)?  Remember that blog of following the heart but taking my head along with me?  Yep, blew that one out of the water this year, and yes, it hurt once again.  I think I'm going to stuff my heart in a box and keep it quiet over the next year(s)!  I hate that cliche "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved." (Plehhh!!!) It must have been from someone who never lost - or had a pleasant loss.  I know too many people who have lost and it hurts so bad that they never love again.  And sad to say, they are the ones who hurt.  Who knows about the one they lost (and quite frankly who cares?). 

 

I'm not young anymore. Obviously I've had a birthday this year, and though I won't divulge my age (those of you who know - shhhh!!).  But suffice to say I'm not young anymore.  So if my chances of finding true love (is there such a thing?) are slim to none, if my chances of getting run over by a city bus are greater than those of me ever marrying, then I should do my darndest to make sure I look both ways before crossing a street as I get older, and that my life is set and settled for my prime years ahead.  I can't say that is the case, but here's a resolution/revolution - this year I will start making plans to preserve my later years.  I will really seriously start making plans for when, where and with whom I want to retire. If my Chew-Boo is still around, he will definitely be a part of my growing old days.  I already know where - that's Rota, Spain.  It's BEAUTIFUL!!  It will take several years to get to the point of assuring myself of a comfortable life in my later years, but I will make sure that I accomplish it, and that will be by starting This Year.  No better time than the present to really start!

So, here's to a New Year! Let's all clink our glasses to 2014!! May all the hopes and dreams we resolve to create and accomplish, BE created and may they BE accomplished!! And if not this year, here's to many new years to come so that those hopes and dream will come to fruition!!!!



HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! CLINK-CLINK!!!!

 

 



 

Just My Point of View

I read an article a couple of days ago that gave me pause.  Facebook, the social website which boasts of over a billion (estimate) users world wide, was going to do a better job at blocking "hate-speech" from being posted on its website.   This stemmed from alleged derogatory remarks made toward women.  The article stated that many women's groups were quite upset with lack of Facebook's ability to keep this speech from reaching its website, and the company apologized from using outdated systems in order to catch this type of speech before it hit the world-wide web.  It also promised to do a better job and update its systems.

Now, some may think that I would view this as a good thing.  I mean - I don't like "hate speech" any more than the next lady or gentleman, and especially when I personally am offended by it.  However, it is possible that what I see as offensive may not be viewed the same way to another.  And granted, I'm sure that what was posted and ruffled the feathers of these women's groups, I would also find offensive; but here's the thing - and this is how I truly feel - blocking or removing offensive speech just because it is viewed by certain groups as offensive violates one of our most fundamental and basis beloved rights guaranteed by the First Amendment to the Constitution.  If you forgot what it says, here it is: "Congress shall make no laws ... abridging the freedom of speech...." I purposely left out the remainder since they aren't really relevant to this matter.

Should the mega social network make it its duty to decide what is or isn't offensive, or what should or shouldn't be posted on its website? In my opinion, no, this should not be allowed.  Offensive speech indeed is just that - offensive. Offensive speech's purpose may anger or hurt the readers. But it's still speech, and it's still - from what I understand - defended by the First Amendment.

So why would I be defending offensive speech?  Because - if Facebook has the ability to deem certain speech as offensive due to certain groups not liking it, couldn't it, then, decide that other speech such as political speech, religious speech, or sexual preference speech is offensive and remove it from the website's page?  If it is allowed to block one, what else can it block?  Couldn't it block me from posting anything on its site?  Couldn't it then also block you?

Facebook founders opened themselves up for this kind of speech by opening this site for anyone and everyone to join its social network.  That includes the good and the bad.  Unfortunately, there are words and points of view that I don't agree, but I'm not going to go about demandiing that FB remove the writer from the site.  Why? because we all have the right to free speech.

The Supreme Court, when faced numerous times with the question of what was offensive speech decided that all speech - (except that which incites, or screaming "fire" in a crowded theater) - is Constitutionally protected, and cannot be infringed upon.  Justice Scalia, by far one of the most, if not
the most conservative justices always sides with free speech even when it offends him, like in the flag burning case.  As he said, the guy burning the flag could be the most dastard character, but his freedom of expression (another form of speech) could not be suppressed when he chose to demonstrate it by burning the American flag.  Again, in Hill v. Colorado (2000), a case narrowly related here,  Scalia said something in his dissent that struck me as most poignant here.  He said "[i]f protecting people from unwelcome communications... is a compelling state interest, the First Amendment is a dead letter." (citation omitted.)  Think about it. To protect one group Facebook will infringe on the rights of another?  Does that seem rather ironic?  Could Facebook be compelled in the future to remove the postings of the very same women's groups because someone or some group finds the woment's group's postings as offensive?

So what are we to do when we are offended by something said or written by another?  Well, I know what my actions are when I've been offended by something someone wrote or posted on Facebook. I either hide it, or I unfriend the person who made the statement or posted the offensive speech - and trust me, I've hidden plenty of sites!

It's amazing to me how much power we really do have by just deleting those messages ourselves, or unfriending those sites.  We don't have to be offended and demand it be removed.  We can be proactive and remove it from our page ourselves.  If enough people remove these offensive posts  from their personal sites, maybe then the offender will realize the post was not so fabulous and will remove the post him/herself.  Better that than to experience later that Facebook decides that my favorite daily posting by C.S. Lewis foundation, for instance, is offensive to another and removed from the site.  I might use that delete button on Facebook if it ever makes that move!  But that's just my point of view.

The Apology

Awww.... Who couldn't forgive that little baby!!!

Mom was my fortress. I could turn to her for information, advice, comfort, you name it, I knew she had my back.  But there were times when she was more like a stone.  She had this thing about not apologizing, or admitting she was wrong.  Rather than admit it, she'd turn away and clam up - not saying a word for HOURS.  I often felt like being right wasn't always the best. Ever heard the old adage "if momma ain't happy - ain't nobody happy!"  that was my momma.  Usually I would break the ice between us.  Don't get me wrong, I loved her immensely, she was my rock, and certainly my confidant throughout my life - I miss her to this day.  She just had this way of never admitting that she could possibly be wrong.  I often wondered, "jeez, how hard is it to say I'm sorry, Mom?  Do you know the words?  They're pretty easy to recite...."  Note that I said I'd wonder!  Trust me, I never uttered that phrase to her!!  But... unfortunately I learned that trait from her.  And to this day I find it difficult to apologize.  But an apology from me has to be sincere; it must be heartfelt.

We all know that words can hurt immensely, ...what about actions?  Can actions cause extreme hurt?  And if they can, shouldn't the injured person expect an apology?  What happens to those we injure if we don't express remorse?  Does the hurt go away, or does it linger around festering... leaving the injured wondering why?... what happened.  Don't you think they might just want to hear "I'm sorry I hurt you"; or: "I'm sorry, I was wrong."

Sincere apologies are
 never unappreciated

So does an apology help?  Really??
Here's my answer: it doesn't hurt, that's for sure!   Maybe the healing process begins... maybe the injured person begins to look beyond the hurt and begins to move forward - really start living again.  Maybe it brings closure to the issue.  And maybe - just maybe - a contrite apology brings the two together to heal the rift between them.  It literally doesn't hurt to say those words, "I'm sorry... I never meant to hurt you."

But there's more than just saying "I'm sorry;" complete it with "will you forgive me?"  Anyone can say 'sorry' for this, 'sorry' for that; but a true repentant soul asks for forgiveness.  That request, then, puts the ball back into the injured person's court.  Of course he/she must be willing to accept the apology - holding back nothing - and forgiving. Then!!! true healing begins.

Forgiveness, however, means never throwing the hurt back in the other person's face again, no matter how tough it might be.  Don't keep holding on to that hurt like a badge of - what- I don't know, because in the end it only keeps hurting you.  Furthermore, the roles, then, are reversed and you become the injurer.  It's not fair at all to the person who comes - hat in hand (so to speak) - to apologize. Forgiveness takes real effort, and is a sure sign of strength and maturity. Be a bigger and better person and receive what you wanted, and move on.  You are only hurting yourself, and any other apology that might be offered will likely be less than heartfelt,  and more forced and/or contrived.

Remember, life is way too precious to allow hurt to fester ugliness.  I know I'm full of old adages, but heres a true statement: "To err is human, to forgive, divine."  I've learned to forgive. Bet momma would be proud!

My Un-Known Hero!

Heroes pass in and out of our lives whether we know it or not.  Often we don't acknowledge their acts that create that hero status in our heads.  We may thank them - and I certainly hope we at least do that!!!, but how often do we feel as though we haven't said - much less done, enough?

In March during my last semester in college I managed to destroy my left knee during a ski

Ok, I didn't exactly ski like this.  But this is rather cool!

trip.  It required surgery, and recovery with therapy would be at least six weeks.  However, the last thing I wanted to do was withdraw from school my last semester.  My orthopedic surgeon said we could postpone the surgery so long as I planned on having it soon after graduation.  Being the accident happened in early March and graduation was in May, I had to hobble around on crutches for eight weeks.  

It's amazing how you can experience people's mettle when it comes to hobbling on crutches.  I had one student dash out in front of me and accidentally kick my left crutch from me. In order to keep from falling I caught myself on my bad leg.  Ughh, the pain was shot up my knee just about causing me to pass out.  Did he turn to see if I was ok?  Nope, but others grabbed me to keep me from falling, and just stood me up until I seemed to get my barings back.  Their kindness and concern really meant a lot to me.

But, and this is a big but!! - there was this one young man that I will never forget.  I wish I could say I knew his name, but alas I cannot.  All I can call him is my dark-haired hero.  What he did was about the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.

Superman is missing the umbrella!!!

During that last semester I had one late afternoon class.  One particular rainy evening after class I hobbled outside, stopping under a overhang on the building just watching the rain pour from the heavens.  Obviously my hands were busy, and well, quite frankly, I didn't have a handy dandy umbrella that hooks onto crutches. I stood under that overhang for about ten minutes just hoping the rain would ease some.  I was parked across the street, but it may as well have been on the other side of campus.  I was destined to get  soaked just trying to make it to my car.  

As I stood there watching the rain, this young man exited the building.  He wasn't in any of my classes, I didn't know him from Adam.  But he looked at the rain and then at me. "Just waiting for the rain to stop," I said, answering his silent question.  

"Where's you car? he asked me.  

"Across the street."

"Oh." was his response.  He put his ball cap on his head and headed out into the rain toward his vehicle.  

I didn't expect much more than that.  Just making friendly conversation with the injured student. Yet, what happened next completely took me by surprise.  After he reached his vehichle, he thew his books into the front seat, closed the door, opened the back door, pulled out and umbrella and ran back toward me, unwrapping the strap around it.

"Ready?" he asked me as he opened his umbrella above my head.

"Really? Thank you so much, thank you so so much!"  I said.  He took my school bag from my shoulder and began walking behind me to my car, all the while covering me with his umbrella.  Bless his heart, it was so small, it only covered me - all the while he was getting wet, but he didn't seem to mind.  He stood behind me keeping the umbrella over me as I unlocked my car, and crawled into my seat.  He put my book bag behind me in the back seat, took my crutches and put them in behind me too, but within my reach.  I thanked him again as he closed my door, and soon he dashed off to his own vehicle, started it, and drove off.

I sat in my car for a minute just in awe of what had happened.  In the ten minutes that I stood under the overhang, several students exited the same building, pulled out their umbrellas and mosied on their way.  I can't blame them, I really didn't expect anything from them.  The former guy in my blog, quite frankly, exhibited what I had come to expect from many of those students.  They were younger, and displayed attitudes of "step aside, I'm coming through."  But the attitude of the dark-haired young man with the umbrella left me humbled -  feeling like I had many of them figured so wrong.  Yes, the one guy caused me to lose my barings when he kicked my crutch out from under me, but others around me held me up - keeping me from falling.  On the rainy afternoon, many saw me stand under the overhang, but only one returned to help me.  Would I do the same?  I learned from my dark-haired hero.

Indeed I graduated in May.  And for one week I was actually off the crutches and was able to walk across the stage to receive my diploma; but the next week

Always a Horned Frog!!  Graduation, 1998!

surgery was indeed scheduled, and boy am I glad I waited.  It was most painful!!

I never saw that young man again, and highly highly doubt he reads my blog. But he became my hero that particular day.  Not surprisingly, to this day I think fondly of a certain rainy day in April, during my last semester at TCU - just because of what this young man did.  To me it was a most selfless act; he didn't know me, I didn't know him. But he treated me like one would expect a gentleman would treat a lady (just shy of throwing a coat across a water puddle).  I had no doubt that young man was raised well, and with that kind of training, it gives me pause to say he was my un-known dark haired hero!

Affairs of the Heart: Battles of the Head

I just saw a great phrase: "Follow your heart, but take your head with you."  Smart thought....
I've often questioned, why is it the heart and the head don't communicate with each other? Why does the heart want what it can't have even when the head says no? When reality hits like a storm and you're left broken hearted, the head says, "see, told you you'd be devastated."  Stupid head: stupider heart....

Seems quite easy to think (totally incorrectly I might add) that when one relationship ends we can just move on to the next, and the next, and so forth, but that notion is so far from the truth.  Relationships affect all of us in completely different ways - no two are the same in any way, shape, or form.  Especially the relationships that are swift, intense -  those that take your breath away (not to mention they render the head silenced and worthless); if and when they end, you're left overwhelmingly devastated.  Everything in you (especially your head) says "you shouldn't have done this; you knew what was in store." ... but then the heart reminds you, "but it was so intense, excitingly passionate - so so severe."  Honestly, who wouldn't want a relationship that - to you (and you hope your love) - is exceptional, exciting, passionate?  And severe? Yes, even severe, and intense.  It's like a drug that you're just loathe to give up because in the middle of a high it is amazing (I don't speak from experience - just rhetorical).  But the let down is devastating - pure torture.  Just because it feels so doesn't mean it is amazing

Problem is, though, even after the hurt, all the feelings of loss and bewilderment, if given the opportunity I dare say I would run to it with no abandonment!  Why? because of the intensity - the overwhelming emotional connection, completeness, literally - the severity of it.  It would probably still end in unbelievable hurt, but it was such an amazing ride.  It was far more amazing than anything I've EVER experienced.  It's hard to imagine any future relationship could measure up to that intensity, at least in my heart.  But is that fair to me, or any possible relationship in the future?  Am I likely to measure others to this one? Will I toss a possible great man aside if our relationship lacks the passion I felt previously?

I'm sure some will say not all relationships are passion all the time.  But ... why not?  Why not feel those butterflies when I hear his baritone voice, or break out in a huge smile every time I see him?  If my smile melted my former love, could it melt another's? Or feel my heart race every time he touched or held me or looked at me with those deep baby blues.  Why should passion and desire be sucked out of relationships? Why lose those things that initially attracted us?

My former love use to retort to me that he looked hideous.  "Turn away"!  he'd say!  But to me he is the most handsome man I'd ever met - in my eyes he is a prize.  So maybe in his eyes he was hideous, but in mine he is beautiful, just as much as he said I was in his.

It will be hard to replicate that kind of relationship again.  But maybe I shouldn't want to.  If I saw the beauty in him, can I see the beauty in another?  I have to... I must.  I have to look with eyes wide open - with heart wide open... and with my head wide awake!!!

Will I ever find again a passion that everyday takes my breath away?  I can only hope so... I can truly only hope
so.

"follow your heart -  

but take your head with you"