"139"

Can't get enough of Point Loma

I heard a song in church this week, and no matter how hard I tried to avoid it, my tears flowed.  The song, "139", is loosely based off of Psalms 139. The chorus of the song describes God's love for us; there is nothing or nowhere that we can hide from His love.  One line in the song is "if I go to the heights, you are there; if I make my bed in hell, you'll lead me home." It's easy to remember and love God in our good times, when we are at the heights and we can see his glory all around us.  Yet, sometimes it's hard to remember or hear him - or even want to hear him - when we've made our beds in hell. But those are the times that we need him most. 

I've shared that I've made many stupid mistakes just this year alone. It's sad to think that mistakes can lead to such disappointment, and often despair.  But we still make them, usually on a daily basis.  Some mistakes are "honest" blunders in that a person really didn't know better, or didn't really weigh all the options.  Other mistakes are so blatant, that even though we know it's wrong we move forward with it. It's these mistakes that can hurt and can lead to the aforementioned  despair.  This year I made one of those aforementioned mistakes.

I've felt pain and hurt in my life, but despair - nope, this was a first.  I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I pushed forward with it, knowing that in the end I was going to be unbelievably hurt....  Hmm, I sure didn't disappoint myself with this one, did I?  In making this decision, I allowed myself to get lost in the experience.  It was exciting, yet scary because I was completely lost.  What I lost - was myself... I lost my compass, my bearings, everything that I was and am.  I had to find myself and my way back once again.  I've struggled, and hit more walls trying to get back to the place I was before all of this. Ever watched a mouse try to work through a maze to get to a piece of cheese? It hits several walls just trying to get to the reward.  In essence I was the mouse in my own maze trying to get back to my reward.

This Sunday I heard a song in church... and I realized through this song that, as the chorus stated, I had made my bed in hell.... 'I'  made my bed in hell.  Hence the tears, the non-stop tears.  Was it all worth it? Even the Bible in Hebrews states that sin is pleasurable - but only for a season. In the end mine left me devastated. My season didn't last long, but it was long enough.  What really got me about this song was not only the realization that I had made my own bed in hell, but the fact that God, in his infinite mercy and love, was there waiting for me - to lead me home.   I don't need to go through that whole maze, hitting walls along the way. Someone, who loves me more than I can ever fathom, is leading me home.

Chewy and Me!!