Oh How Life is Beautiful! My Wake-up Call

My last post was over a year ago.  It's amazing what can happen in a year!  I sold a house, bought a new one, and am in the process of moving into it.  My favorite city continues to grow in leaps and bounds, almost to the point of it getting too expensive to continue living here.  Still, most areas of my life are just routine.  That is until this past August when I went in for a follow-up to a routine mammogram.
 
Now, let's be honest, women, we hate those appointments!!  They are uncomfortable, they hurt, and I like to say the person running the machine thinks she's popping a huge zit!  NOOOO!!!  IT'S MY BOOB!!!  Sorry - I really hate mammograms...well, until this year.
I had gone for a routine mammogram, you know, the ones were suppose to take every couple of years, and manage to wait an extra year or two, or five....  Anyway, a small spot showed up on my right breast, but radiologist just figured it was calcium build-up; "however, come back in about 8 months to recheck it."  Eh - really?  Naw, I'm ok.  Calcium isn't cancer.  Eight months later I get a call from my OB/GYN nurse: "Deborah, you're on the naughty list!  We need you to reschedule for your follow-up mammogram." 
 
"Aw, really??  I hate that thing!"
 
"Yeah, I know; every woman does.  But let's just get it done so we can get you off of our naughty list."  Now if I didn't like Nurse Lourdes so much (she is a great nurse), I would have blown her off.  But she made the appointment for me, and, like a good patient, I acquiesced to her prodding.  I showed up for my appointment, and braced myself for the pain and torture of the machine.  Well, actually, this time the technician must have figured correctly that my nipple is not the head of a zit, and to me she made the experience so much less painful.  After the process she had me take a seat in the waiting room, just to be sure they got all the pictures they needed, and that I didn't make a strange move - like breathing.  Well, one shot didn't turn out right so I had to return to retake that shot.  She was still very gentle with her technique.  Again she returned me outside to make sure the new shots were fine.  Well, they were fine...too fine.  I was called to get a sonogram of my left breast.  Ummmm - why??  I was ushered into the sonogram room. 

 
Now hold up - let me interject something here.  When I have had mammograms, I can't say I'm comfortable with others maneuvering my breast in ways that aren't natural - it's like slapping a slab of beef on a surface for chopping.  WHOMP!!  But I digress; So as I was stating, I was ushered into the sonogram room.  As I lied on the table a new tech directed the sonogram over a particular area on my left breast - NOT EVEN THE RIGHT ONE!!! - and started measuring a mass that was detected during the mammogram.  A few minutes later the radiologist walked in and looked at the sonogram and measurement and remarked - "yeah, looks like a tumor mass.  Ms. Martinez, we need to schedule you for a biopsy.  Looks as though we have found something that doesn't look too good.  But we want to make sure what we're looking at."  Ummmm... huh???
 
I decided to keep my news a secret.  Why worry anyone until it was necessary?  My biopsy was scheduled, and performed.  During the procedure I asked the radiologist if he thought it was cancer.  "Honestly, with its placement, its speed of growth, it is highly probable that it is cancerous.  But we will check to be sure."    A couple of days later I received "the call" from my OB/GYN who verified - "Debbie, we seem to have a little cancer.  Let's take care of this as quickly as possible."  After getting off the phone with him, I think it was the first time I cried.  Just a bit.  I was, after all, at work, and I had three hours left of the day.  So I braced myself and returned to my desk.  And then I quickly got up and walked back to the bathroom and broke down.  Let's face it, nobody wants to hear that they have the big C.  Include me in that group if you would, please!
 
Well, the next several weeks were a quick blur.  I did schedule a few days off and headed to Northern California area - specifically Big Sur.  It was sooo beautiful and soothing.  It allowed me to just prepare myself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for the journey I was about to take.  After returning I met with a Oncology surgeon, and because I made the decision to remove the whole breast I also met with a Breast Reconstruction Surgeon.

 
Interjection time: a woman that I work with just recently went through breast cancer surgery, a later lymph node removal surgery (cancer), and chemo.  She told me "give up on the idea of modesty; you will be flashing the 'girls' at lots and lots of people."  She wasn't kidding!  And I hadn't even had surgery yet!  Those puppies were being looked at, prodded, felt up more than they had been - EVER!! - and sadly for no one's pleasure (at least I think to no one's pleasure - hehehehehe).  Surgery was schedule, and performed.  Thankfully, I am currently on the road to recovery.  I have had a great support system with my aunt, a few friends, and my brothers.  My co-workers have been great in bringing me food, and checking on me.  I think they are afraid I may starve.  Not a chance!  My doctors have been spectacular!  I remember the reconstruction surgeon coming to check on my early the morning after surgery.  I told him a friend of mine said I looked good for just going to surgery.  He said, "Deborah, you look like a rock star!"  I have a new best friend, and my rock star!!!

 
Thankfully, no other cancer cells were found in the remainder of the tissue, nor was it found in tissue taken from my right breast.  I am a most fortunate lady!

 
Because my nurse cared enough to get me scheduled for a follow-up mammogram, and getting me off the "naughty list", my cancer was found quickly.  It was a fast grower, but it was small enough that I get to forego chemo!  Mine was fed on estrogen, so since I stopped taking it prior to surgery, it started starving the cells.  I most likely will have to take anti-estrogen pills, but hey - it's better than the alternative!!
 
This little journey taught me something; keep up with my routine exams!!  What if I had just blown it off for another several months, if not years - even one year?  I didn't feel anything on my breast, and yet a tumor was growing.  Had I waited even a year most likely the cancer would have spread to my lymph nodes, and possibly to the other breast.  And instead of Stage 1, it would have progressed to a much more dangerous stage, and Lord knows what else would have happened.  Not only would I have had to do chemo, but radiation too.  I probably would not be upset about losing my hair, but I really like my eyelashes.  I'd sure hate to lose those!, and had I waited, those would have been gone.

 
This was a wake up call for me.  First and foremost, I need to take better care of myself.  There's only one me.  These routine appointments are important, no matter how routine they may be.  Next, I need to be grateful for every day that I live.  God has granted me life on this earth, and I should be thankful to Him for this life no matter the little journeys I have to take.  It's funny, I look over several issues that I've had to deal with over the years.  Many of these issues were resolved just by going through this surgery.  I had this little "Dunlap" tire under my belly from previous surgeries that I could not get rid of.  Not only that, my lower back has bothered me for years because that little "Dunlap" could not be tightened - the muscles had been cut too often to allow them to tighten again.  Well, guess what?  That silly "Dunlap" was used to recreate a new breast!  My "rock star" reconstruction dr. also tighten that muscle, and in essence gave me a tummy tuck!!  And I didn't have to pay for it!!
 
So in conclusion; women - GET YOUR MAMMOGRAMS!!  The short amount of pain is far better than the alternative.  Never underestimate God's plans and designs.  I would never have thought that my Dunlap could be used to recreate - and yet it was!  What's ironic - my reconstruction doctor was perfecting his skill of reconstructing breast from the stomach tissue at the same time I had my initial surgery.  Who would have thought that our lives would cross paths some 18 years later, and that he would make this lady feel like a million bucks early on a Saturday morning - the day after a life altering surgery?  Oh How Life can be sooo Beautiful!!

I'M GOING TO BRAG A LITTLE!!!

I made a pact with myself; I will get out from under my credit card and personal loan debt this year, and then start working on getting out of debt - period!!  This week I actually started seeing the fruits of my labor.  I've paid off one credit card, and the personal loan! 

I am sooo beyond excited with this feat that I haven't stopped smiling since making those last payments.  Would you all excuse me as I do the Happy Snoopy Dance!!!

The paid off credit card is the one that makes me most happy!! That card has been the bane of my existence for wayyyy toooo long!!! It even had its own name - that's how long it had been around!  I really wasn't charging a lot on it, I just got lax in paying it off, and I had such a good raport with the company that my statement every month showed how much I owed, which was always plenty, and how much my monthly payment was - "0".  Now ask yourself, if I have a balance in the red, how is it I could have a minimum payment of "0"?  I figured they really liked me.  Hey, even if I missed a payment, I wasn't charged a late fee - nor did the interest rate go up, but I sure was charged the interest on the debt, and that interest then accummulated interest, and so on, and so on, and so on!!  It was literally a snowball effect - but the wrong kind of effect.  I finally had to get to the point where I thought "enough already!!!"  I actually did something most would think not the smartest move, but transferred it to a new "zero interest for 15 months" card, and paid that puppy off in 7 months.  And I cut both cards up and will never use them again!!! Did I just say never?  I meant NEVER!!!

Who says more plastic is the way to go?

This is an amazing fact: do you realize just how much credit card companies encourage us to carry debt - hey, debt is good!  Heck, the companies go after Freshmen college students during "welcome week".  They're adults now, and they can get their own cards!!!  Add to that that most incoming students pay their school debt with student loans.  Anyone can get one! Think about it - a good credit score basically tells you that you can hold a balance on a credit card, but you're faithful at paying your debts.  You would think, then, that having no debt would give you a perfect credit score.  But actually - it doesn't!  You don't have a score if you don't use credit.  I guess it stands to reason.  Credit score means you have credit.  Unfortunately, by the time those previously mentioned college freshmen finish college, their debts are often so attrocious with payments made to pizza and beer and minimum payments, they are confused at to how it got so big!!!  And that student loan???  well, it's often larger than the price of a small house.  OUCH!!!

The problem, however, is the card companies aren't paying our bills.  The companies may love the concept of us carrying a revolving debt because it keeps growing and growing and growing and ....  We are the ones who have to pay that bill.  It is, unfortunately, too handy to have around.  Don't have money for that purse, hey, you have plastic!!  You like that bike, no cash, but LOOK!!  Visa's literally jumping out of the wallet pouch and onto the counter!!  AND- too often, when we want to purchase something on line, we have to use a credit card of some sort.  (I'm rather glad that there is PayPal around so I can use it and payment gets reduced from my bank account instantly.)  Have you noticed that when you try using cash now the salesclerks give you that funky - "what's that?" look?  What's worse - try pulling out a checkbook!  So credit has just become so convenient, and "safe", but much to our detriment. 

And that student loan???  It is the one debt that never goes away.  A person can declare bankruptcy and that loan will not be forgiven.  There really aren't a lot of degrees that make it worth having a student debt of over $100,000.  Maybe a doctor, or a lawyer, but certainly not a Bachelor's Master's or PhD in Women's Studies.  Last I heard, the student loan debt in America is over $1.2 trillion - TRILLION!!!!  ARE WE KIDDING OURSELVES???


It's time to say "ENOUGH ALREADY!!! "

Did I scare you bad enough???  So how do we get out of debt?  Is it possible to overcome this burden?  Here's what Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover program emphasizes": a process of using the debt snowball effect.  Just as I referenced how revolving debt can become like a snowball going down hill, this one is just the opposite.  If you're familiar with a snowball, you can start with a small one, roll it down a hill and it will pick up more snow and gather speed as it rolls down the hill.  In the same vein, rather than letting debt become larger and larger on one card, you gather all your debts together, and start paying them off, one at a time!  You take the smallest debt, and pay the most you can afford to pay on it until it's paid off.  At the same time you pay the minimum on the other debts just until the small debt is paid off.  Once you've paid off the smallest debt, you start making larger payments on the next smallest debt until it is paid.  Then the same goes for the next and the next until they are all paid off.  As you pay off each debt, the payments to the next one grows,  gathers steam, and hence - the snowball effect. 

IT'S TIME TO PULL OUT THE SCISSORS!!!

But here's an important point: often we just have to get to the place where we look at our finance situation and say, "hey, enough is enough!"  Does it make sense to pay a credit card company our hard earned money just because the plastic card in our wallets are too convenient?  Think about it; the average interest rate on a card is about 16% apr.  So if you carry a debt of $1000, and let's say you never put another thing on it, but pay it at a rate of $50.00, which is probably above minimum, it will take you 24 months to pay it off, and you will pay an extra $200 just in interest alone.  You might think, what's $200?  It's your 200 hard earned dollars!!  And that's just on $1000.  What if you debt was about $5000, and you paid $100 a month??  How's this: it would take 83 months to pay it off and you will end up paying over $3000 just in interest - IN INTEREST ALONE!!!  You could take a nice trip with that $3000, that's your money!!!  Let me repeat that... THAT'S YOUR MONEY!!!  See why I say you have to think, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH???  If I was to think of how much interest I've paid on the card that I just finished paying off, I probably could have bought a house on it!!  Okay, maybe not quite, but I certainly could have a put a huge downpayment on a house.  And yes, it was MY MONEY!!!

So now I'm striving to finish paying the last credit card.  I will take all that I paid on the first card and the personal loan, and will put it all on this last card until it is paid in full!  And once that's done, I will just have to do the Snoopy dance all over again!!!  Wanna join me??? 

Can We Talk?

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW???

Di you know that men hate the phrase "can we talk?".  They hate it with a passion!  A couple of years ago I became very upset and angry at a male friend/co-worker.  We were on a buisness trip, and he said something that to me cut me to the quick.  As is typical of me, I clammed up and didn't talk to him the following day.  The problem, though, clamming up was not very productive for the business task at hand.  When we were leaving a site he said something to me, and rather than responding to his statement, I instantly turned to him and said, "can we talk?"  The look on his face after I said that was one of which window is easier to jump out of?"  Now, our relationship was not one where we could have those "talks" on a regular basis.  He just stared out the car windshield, and propped his head on his hand as his arm rested on the driver's side window as I began to tell him how upset I was at him for his statement the previous day.  As far as he was concerned, I sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher - "Blah-blah - blah blah blah blah, Matt! Are you listening to me?"  He turned to look at me and said, "are you all of a sudden my wife?  Well, after telling him that if we were going to complete the site visit without anymore issues, we needed to iron out our problem, which we did (I think).  To this day, though, he and I laugh at the thought that I could possibly have said those three attrocious words to him, "Can we talk?"

A couple of years later, after having an issue with an former love, I sent him a text stating, "we need to talk."  He was in no mood to read those words.  After going round and round with him about my text, I decided just to let it go.  Problem was I wasn't forgetting it.  It was festering and turning ugly in my mind and my heart.  According to him, the term "we need to talk" meant we were ending things, and every bad thing about our relationship was all his fault.  Wrong, "we need to talk" to me meant - we needed to talk.  It could have resulted in the demise of the relationship, but if it did, did he honestly think that not talking about it would mean everything went on as if nothing was wrong?  Something was wrong, and I needed to get it off my chest.  As it was... well, I did refer to him as my former love.


So, what is it about men that they hate the phrases "can we talk", or "we need to talk"?  Women are talkers.  It is one of the ways we can cope with our lives and our emotions - just being able to talk things out, to air out our grievances.  "I'm angry, and you need to know why."  "You've hurt me and you need to know that you did."  "I just need your ear and some sound advice right now."  "I've been hanging with two and three year olds all day.  I'd like some adult conversation."

Ironically, women can talk - and talk - AND TALK to each other for hours.  And sometimes we hold nothing back.  My sister lives with me, which is both a blessing and a curse.  It's a blessing because I always have someone here to talk to, to laugh with, cry with, and just air out my anger at something that may have happened during the day.  It's a curse because sometimes she can get brutally honest with me - and holds nothing back.  It will hurt to the point where I think "why can't you be like a guy and just not want to talk?" 

Communication is an art form.  It's one that needs to be cultivated, developed, and practiced.  But more-so, communication is a necessity.  We have to be able to communicate with each other without feeling like one is bothering the other.  "I'm angry and you need to know why", or "you've hurt me and you need to know that you did." - why would someone want another to be angry at him/her, without hearing the other person out?  Talk about it, figure what transpired, and what needs to be done to "fix it", if it can be fixed.  Do you really want a wedge to develop between you to the point of destruction of a relationship? 

Women really don't just "get over it!"  We are made with a mind and emotions.  When we need to talk, we NEED TO TALK!  I mean - do you really want to hang around with someone who starts to pull away from you because she's angry or hurt?  Guess what? She's probably throwing darts at you in her mind.  She's probably thinking the worst thoughts about you, and you didn't do anything to combat those thoughts.  Here's a thought: you want to cuddle with your wife, or girlfriend at night?  Talk to her during the day (and not by text - thank you very much!).  Talk - let her get it off her chest.  There's an old saying, "don't go to bed angry."  There's a good reason for that.  There ain't gonna be no nookie with an angry Cookie!!  But if you allow yourself to listen to her, to let her spill her guts out to you, and you and she work through the issues, hey, you never know, she may even go to bed without a headache!

So... Can we talk?? 

The Long Goodbye

My Daddy and Me - January 2009

My daddy went home to be with the Lord on December 18.  Just a few days prior my sister and I felt compelled to go visit him.  It had been almost a week since we'd visited him.  He was non-responsive during our visit, and we asked the nurse at his nursing home how long he had been that way.  She claimed he was probably just tired from being up all day.  It was rather strange that he should have been THAT tired.  However, the next day we got a call from the hospice nurse telling us that Daddy had remained unresponsive - had been so for a few days, and hadn't eaten at all for those same few days.  She was preparing us that Daddy's time was short.  And short it was.  He lived another 30 hours, and slipped away quietly.  I started to write this blog on him just days prior to our initial visit.  I think I'd like to continue to share what we experienced these last several years:

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His body is now frail and feeble, his hair a beautiful shade of white silver.  His hands are curled into fists, and so cold.  He doesn't speak anymore, he mostly stares.  His once beautiful smiling brown eyes with gold flecks are now clouded over, just as much as is his mind.  We walk into his room now, and I'm not so sure he recognizes us, other than we are the nice people who visit him often - if he remembers that.  He hasn't known our names now for quite a while. 

My father suffers from Alzheimer's disease.  I so hate that disease!  It robs us of him, and him of his memories and even his life.  I remember asking him a few years ago if he knew my name - maybe I should not have asked - I watched him struggle trying to make his mind remember.  He looked at me in despair, I just told him - "it's okay, Daddy.  Just know I love you."  He smiled, but I could see the disappointment in his eyes.



Father's Day Dinner
2013

Several years ago my dad suffered a heart-attack.  He subsequently had quintuple by-pass surgery.  Studies are revealing now that during open-heart surgery, the brain lacks oxygen for that split second when the heart is stopped and the body becomes dependent on the by-pass machine.  Later, many heart surgery patients seem to suffer from different dementias, including Alzheimer's.  My daddy is one of those patients.  A few years after his surgery we noticed Daddy was getting quite forgetful.  Mom did her best to cover for Dad, but after her death the disease became most prevalent.  No one was around to cover it. 

After an unfortunate incident at a nursing home, Daddy came to live with Jody, my sister, and me in in the winter of 2011.  We thought we'd be able to take care of him. And things were going well, but one night he got out of my locked house and wandered.  Fortunately, Jody woke up around midnight and noticed that Daddy wasn't in his bed.  She quickly woke me - and after looking around outside and around the block - we called the police, and then started looking farther throughout the neighborhood.  Several hours later he was found about five miles from my house.  He was trying to find his way home, and ended up at a Fina gas station in a not-so great area of town.  His angels must have been working OT to keep him safe.  A little man walking around with slippers and in his pj's must have looked a little strange.  Luckily, the cashier noticed that Daddy looked confused, and rather than thinking he was a bum and chasing him out, he called the police letting them know that a man was there who seemed confused.  Reluctantly we realized he needed to be in a facility that was truly capable of handling Alzheimer's patients. 

Though his care was very good, Daddy's disease has just taken its toll on his memory.  Where he used to read his Bible constantly and carefully, he now lays in bed and stares.  Where he once walked about, now he is dependent on someone to carry him out of bed and into a wheelchair.  I have to wonder if it's just as easy for staff to let him lay in bed throughout the day rather than lifting him out of bed.  Where once we could talk to him about his day, and ask him memories of the pasts, he struggles with thoughts in his mind, and has taken to pursing his lips as to start whistling.  Even whistling - he used to whistle the most beautiful melodies.  Now he just purses his lips - no sound coming out. 


Daddy, Robert, and me
May, 2014

I often wonder if we did the right thing by allowing Daddy to have surgery.  Yes, it prolonged his life, and we had him in our lives for several really good years!  But his state of living now - it's painful to see.  I realize he probably doesn't even realize what's going on in his life.  But what about those days when he is aware and cognizant of his surroundings?  Surely there are a few of those days. Growing up Daddy used to talk often about going to heaven and being with his Lord and Savior.  It is something he has always looked forward to.  Did we do right by delaying his eternal life?  I just have to remind myself that God holds the keys to life and death.  It is His determination when Daddy dies, not mine.  I just hate that I see him in his present state.  I would have rather remember what he was like growing up, or even in my adult life.  Do I cherish even these days?  Yes, I do - and I am happy for every day that we still have him.  But when he does leave "the surly bonds of earth, and [finally] touches the face of God", I will be so happy for him and the life he lived.

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Prologue:  As previously stated, Daddy did leave these "surly bonds of earth.  He now happily is reunited with the love of his life - my mom.  He has also joined my brother that passed away several years ago, and several happy family members.  Daddy's life was a testimony of God's redeeming grace and mercy. He was a humble servant, not only to us, his family, but to the community at large.  We siblings made a video where we each remembered things about his life that meant the world to us.  It was played during his funeral.  We were so fortunate to have such a wonderful father.  He was - in every way, and every day of my life - an example of what a Great Father is suppose to be, and what my Heavenly Father is like: loving, kind, long suffering, and patient - knows how and when to discipline - not for his sake, but for mine.  I will miss Daddy every day that passes.   But I am grateful for the time we had him here - in our lives, molding and shaping us to be the best we could be.
"Rest now Daddy.  Your work here on earth is done; you are now finally home!"


Daddy and Momma - Reunited Dec 18, 2014



Relationships......

Here's a question - why do some of us go back to relationships that didn't work the first time?  Do we really think we can MAKE it work if we had a second try at it?  What makes us think there could be a chance that it works a second time?  The old adage of "if once you don't succeed, try, try again" really doesn't fit when it comes to bad relationships.  The adage should change to - if once you don't succeed - RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!! 


Throwing out the trash!!

My sister once likened a bad relationship that failed the first time to opening a carton of spoiled milk.  Would you dare put it back in the refrigerator thinking it will get fresh if given more time?  YUCK!!!  It's more likely to curd up and gag you if you try opening the carton later.  No, instead, we dump the remainder down the sink and wash the stink out with warm water before dumping it in the trash.  And the same should happen with former relationships.  End them - once and for all!!

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But this, then leads me to another question - must bitterness always accompany a broken relationship? If so, why? Why do we almost despise the person we thought we loved sooo much? Is it naive to think a break-up could possibly render at least a civil relationship between the people involved?   Or is it "'once bitten, twice shy" so therefore, I shall hate you for all eternity!!" WOW!! Wasn't it just a few months earlier he/she was the light of your life, the "ying to your yang", the hope that all creation could be as good as he - or she?

Ooops - I did it again....

Here is my sad reality: I've been in an on again - off again relationship for the past two years (more off than on) that has just taken its toll on me. It was bad from the start, both of us knowing that it would never lead to some grand "Bogie and Bacall", but I - and I'm sure he too, to a point - was head-strong in what I wanted; I wanted him - and the relationship. I've written about this relationship in quasi vague terms in past blogs. I've said before it was bad, but it was exciting, I believe I even called it severe at one point. It didn't work the first time around - there was no way it would work for us. But then, rather than chalking it up to a bad relationship and bad choice, in spite of its severity and intensity, when he came calling again, I answered the phone again - and embarrasingly - even a third time.   DID I LOSE MY HEAD SOMEWHERE AND DIDN'T REALIZE IT??? (uhhh - ya think???)  The answer, of course, is I did lose my head. And the sad fact is I knew better.   It was I - after all -  who wrote earlier that we should "follow your heart, but take your head with you"? Seems I didn't even follow my own advice.  Bad Me!! Bad-Bad Me!!!

So now the relationship is over - yet again.  I can promise there will NOT be a fourth - I threw that carton of milk down the sink this time, washed out the carton with warm water, and threw that sucker in the trash!!  But how sad that the relationship ends - yet again with hurt bitter feelings.  Why did it have to end this way?  Sometimes I think that had the previous times ended civily, we may not have reverted back to that horrid relationship.  Had we be able to be civil with each other, we may have just moved on without a second glance, heck, or third for that fact.

Maybe for me three times IS the charm!  But sadly, at least for me, there is nothing to look back on with fondness.  Only disappointment and disdain ( disappointment for myself, and disdain for him).  So there's another relationship that ends - no chance of civility - not a snowball's chance in hell for a friendship. 

How sad....

...OB-LA-DI, OB-LA-DA- LIFE GOES ON, BRA - LA-LA HOW LIFE GOES ON!

Say "HI" to Lucky!!

I realized an amazing thing a couple of days ago.  I put my little friend Chewy down on March 17th.  A week later my newest little family member was born.  He came to join my family in May, and has been a joy to have around - well, except when he screams from bath time (like this morning after walking under his friend Lucy's pee stream!!), or how he starts screaming at me as I'm dressing in the morning because he wants to be fed (me first, little one!!).  It's amazing how life goes on! 

Several years ago on October 2, 1995, my brother Johnny 'slipped from these surly bonds of Earth' and was ushered into the presence of God.  That same night my sister-in-law's sister gave birth to twins.  It's amazing how life goes on!

Too often we face life's tragedies thinking "this is it!  It will never get any better."  We are sad, our hearts are broken.  Seems we can't see the forest for the trees;  we can't see that - great or small - this tragedy too shall pass.  And yet, pass - it does.  And when we reach the end of that forest there is so much life out there.  We turn around and realize, "wow, those were some tall trees!  But I found my way out of there!"  It is amazing how life goes on!

Paul, in his love letter to the Corinthian church said: For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.
- I Corinthians 13:12 - New American Standard Version (1995).  I don't think I really paid much attention to that verse - until I started questioning circumstances.  I wish I had an answer for all the heartache I faced: how did this happen? why did it happen? why did it happen to me? was there anything I could have done to reverse course?  All in all what I'm really asking is "why did I have to go through this?"  But here's another question: "why shouldn't I go through this?"  Can I learn through this?  Am I stronger through this trial, whatever it is?  If I really pay attention I can realize the growth I've gained.  I am a stronger person, and in the end, it's amazing how life goes on!

I love him more every - single - day!!!

Wives, Kiss Your Husbands!!!

 

This is just too adorable! But these kittens seem to know how to kiss!!

 

For goodness sake, women, KISS YOUR HUSBANDS!!!  Okay, that's a strong way to start a blog, but there is always a purpose to my musings.  I was intrigued by a conversation I overheard between a male a female colleague. I promise I was trying not to listen....  He revealed that his wife had no desire to show affection much less interest in him.  "She won't even kiss me!"  Why he felt the need to share that with this co-worker - quite frankly - is beyond me.  Could be he was hoping she would be a sympathetic ear.  What he got instead was her telling him 'how the cow ate the cabbage' and how his recent attitudes and statements made her wondered whether his self-centered actions were indicative of how he was at home.

So, this colleague is less than perfect - FAR LESS!!  However, my point in mentioning this sad, yet ridiculous scenario is this: he's a man who, despite ALL of his short-comings (and trust me - there are plenty of short-comings), he still desires affection from the woman he married and yes still loves  deeply.  I highly doubt - even with all of his shortcomings - that he would have mentioned his plight to another woman if his needs were being met. 

Now this post probably seems rather silly coming from a single lady, but I see things, I hear things, and trust me ladies, the things I see and hear have made me start to examine my initial thoughts - and I wonder less why men wander, and more of why aren't you trying to keep him from wandering?  No, they are not saints if and when they wander, but neither are you blameless if he reaches that point.  Like it or not, ladies, your husbands desperately desire your affection - they WANT AND NEED to be physical with you.  Sorry to say, they are just wired that way.  Your old pat cliches of "I have a headache," or flat out saying "not only no, but HELL NO!!! are nothing more than excuses for them to look elsewhere." Realize, when you reject your man who wants 'that loving feeling', you may as well be kicking him in the groin with your pointy-toed stilettos.  And then women wonder why their husbands look at porn, or worse, have affairs.



Gotta love that kiss in the rain between
Holly and "Fred"
 

Here's the problem, women; when you ignore your husband's needs, they start looking to fulfill those needs and for satisfaction in all the wrong places.  (Jeez, I have a bunch of songs I'm using here....) Remember (those of you who are above 25 years of age) the Rolling Stones song - "Satisfaction"  Well, when husbands "can't get no - satisfaction" in their marriages they will eventually find it other ways.  Sadly that may indeed include satisfaction with another woman who is more than willing to give your man everything he so desperately wants and yes, even needs.  Trust me, there are scads of women out there who think nothing of your marriages, and even less of you, and they will steal that very man you think will never leave you. 

I'm sorry, even you God-fearing wives with your God fearing husbands, they too will eventually think of other ways to get their satisfaction.  I'd venture to say - there are several men in churches who have severe issues with pornography just because they can't imagine cheating on their wives physically, so they figure other ways to get some sexual satisfaction.  In their minds they aren't cheating because this is only a picture of a woman; she is strictly fantasy.  Problem is - for some of those men sooner or later fantasy isn't enough, and yes, they will go out and find someone else to fulfill their needs and desires.  And, even Jesus taught that lusting over another woman in a man's mind isas much the same as acting on the thoughts.  Why? because he pretty much has done it already in his mind.

Someone most dear to me admitted to having an affair with a married man.  This man was not only married, but had young children, and she knew this.  It's not like she ever planned on getting involved with any married man, yet involved - indeed she - and they - became.   What was - according to her - an initial attraction he had to her over the social media giant Face book became an affair after he threw all caution to the wind and contacted her.   According to him, he and his wife hadn't been intimate in years (YEARS!!! - he must have been a saint - well, no - no saint since he began this affair - but he was definitely long suffering!).  Problem was he never intended to leave his family even though he professed his love to her, and she to him.  He just needed to feel loved by someone. And to the both of them, their affair was excitement.  Unfortunately, he didn't really take her emotions or anything about her into account.  But she had to admit that she was not without blame.  She had to admit she didn't think much of his marriage since she was a willing participant.  According to her, what woman would ignore the needs of her husband?   She unwittingly thought this guy pretty much hung the moon (though she admitted he was no real looker, in her eyes he was a prince - mor like a prince of thieves!!).  The affair, quite frankly, was all about him.  In the end she was devastated by the affair's demise, yet she knew what she was getting into - a relation that was going nowhere.  She questioned - was he now receiving some sort of affection from his wife which might have been what eventually ended the affair?  Who knows - and quite frankly who cares.  My friend was hurt - but she is not blameless.  She just gave him what he so desperately wanted.  Too bad he wasn't getting it from his wife; but what was even worse, he used my friend to meet his needs.

It's so sad to think that women find themselves preoccupied with "important matters" that make their marriages suffer, be it children, house work, work, finances, whatever it is. Are any of those matters more important than the loving attention you give to your husbands?  Goodness, NO!! 

Think aboout this:  remember how excited you would get when you kissed your husband for the very first time?? Remember when he looked down into your eyes that very first time and slowly started to move in for the kiss?  ZING!!!  The anticipation of his lips touching yours for that first kiss!  WOWWY - ZOWWY!!!  The butterflies fluttered in your stomach, your heart started beating faster; it felt soo good to be in his arms with his lips pressed against yours: guess what??,  the excitement wasn't only a one-way street:  he felt it too!!  I'd bet he'd love that excitement again. 

So show him love! Give him the desire of his heart - give him affection.  For goodness sake, give him kisses - lots of deep sensual passionate kisses!!!

Rest In Peace, My Little Boy....

 

Update to previous post: "Learning to Say Goodbye"

 

"Chewy"



My faithful friend Chewy passed from this life at 11:25 in the morning, March 17, 2014.  My little Chew-Boo - who I had the privilege of watching him grow from a  little puppy to my faithful companion for 10 years. 

 

***********

My little Chewy:  every morning he used to greet me with a lick on my nose and a touch on my elbow.  Every evening when I'd return from work, there he'd be - at the door waiting for me to open it, and then he'd dance his little jig - flipping a twirl and squealing with excitement as he'd jump up on his little hind legs  and with his front legs outstretched begging for me to pick him up.  What a joy to return home to him!! It was as though he would scream, "momma's home!  momma's home!!" 

 

But on this morning, he didn't greet me with a lick on my nose: instead I awoke to sounds of him struggling through an early morning seizure that was set off by his brain tumor.  All I could do was hold him close as his little body convulsed.  When the seizure subsided he relaxed and let me hold him as he buried his head between my neck and my pillow.  But too quickly he suffered another seizure, and then a third.  It became very apparent that the decision to end his suffering - which was most heart wrenching - had unfortunately come - and for me it came too soon.  I didn't want to let him go, but keeping him alive would only have been for my sake, and so unfair to him.  Just watching him struggle as he deteriorated so quickly was painful.  The only proper decision was to fulfill my promise to him.  

 

I wrapped him in his blanket and held him as my sister drove us to the vet clinic.  With tear-filled eyes I smiled down at him, and he seemed to reassure me that everything would be alright as he looked at me with those big black eyes ... and then he licked my nose with his little pink tongue - one last time.  I kept my promise and stayed with him as the drug was administered through his vein; I held his little head as he fell limp and as he drifted off to sleep ... and I kissed his little wet nose as his little body lay on the bed. 

 

************** 

I truly believe that one day I will see my little Chewy again.  Yes, once again, he will be waiting for me at the door; he will stand on his little hind legs with his front legs outstretched begging for me to pick him up - and with his little scream of delight as if to say - "momma's home - momma's home!!"  And I will pick him up and hold him close as he looks at me with those bright little black eyes, and licks my nose with that little pink tongue - yet once again!!   "Yes, Chewy!!  Momma's Home!!" 



Rest, now, my little boy....

Learning to Say "Goodbye"

My Little Friend Chewy and me! Whose haircut looks nicer!

Anyone who has read my blog knows and has seen pictures of my little dog Chewy.  He brightens my days - starting early in the mornings.  He sleeps with me every night that I'm home, and I miss him as much as he misses me when I'm gone.  Little Chew-Boo (one of several names I call him) greets me at the door when I return home everyday, or at the airport when I return home from a trip abroad. The old adage "dog is man's best friend" might want to add "and woman's too!"  Chewy is - without a doubt - my best friend. 

Chewy is the first dog I've ever had from the puppy stage to older adult dog.  He already had his name when I got him, otherwise I would have named him Bear, or Jack, or some he-dog name.  But Chewy stuck.  Got to admit, he does look like Chewy from the Star Wars movies.  For the little squirt he is, Chewy truly believes he is my protector.  He hates my lawn guy - well, except when I'm not home; he'll bark ferociously even at loved ones until they call him out at his crime, then Chewy will whine like the little baby dog he is, and runs to me for protection. I can't help but roll my eyes when he does that, and pick him up for assurance -such the guard dog!!

Dance with me!!!

I think some time in the last 10 years I forgot that Chewy is getting older.  He's always been my little boy - my best boy, as I like to remind him.  Probably his small stature keeps him looking young - ageless.  We get gray hairs and wrinkles, he was born with gray hair.  

Unfortunately, several weeks ago, Chewy gave me a fright when he started convulsing from a seizure.  At first I thought he was choking from something, and screamed to my sister for help. I held firmly to him as she tried sticking her finger down his throat to make sure there was nothing obstructing his breathing, which there wasn't.  All I could do was hold him as his little body twitched and convulsed ( I later learned from the vet that I shouldn't hold him just in case he bites me as his loses control).  Once the seizure stopped - what seemed like several minutes - probably more like very few minutes - we rushed him to the vet.  After a blood test, she gave him drugs to try controlling the seizures.  And they seemed to help - for about a week.  Nevertheless, the beginning of the next week the seizures returned, and with a vengeance.  After suffering from multiple minor and finally a major seizures in one day I took him to the Pet Hospital.  The vet on call gave me the sobering news that an overwhelming percentage of dogs that develop seizures at his age are most likely suffering from a brain tumor.  But because of his age and the costs involved, surgery isn't an option.  So, more drugs were administered, with notes of how to care for him, and to realize his end is sooner than I would have ever imagined.  I questioned when that time would come, and the vet said when the quality of his life diminishes to the point where putting him to sleep is the most humane option.  GULP!!


If I stand on this gizmo,
maybe it will stop shaking!!!

I've never watched or seen a pet die.  Ironically, I've watched two loved ones pass through this life to the next - but not a pet.  I know that cats have an inate ability to know when their time has come, and often leave their families and homes to pass on alone.  It's as though they don't want their family members to suffer from their loss - as if a lost cat doesn't make a family suffer.  We definitely had pets and many have died, but with many brothers and a sister, the pets often ran away - probably for their own sanity!!  I think while growing up we often think life goes on forever.  Pets don't die, they just run away.  Fish - well, fish aren't really pets.  Try pulling a fish out of the water and petting it, or taking it out for walks.  But dogs are faithful no matter what we do to them. Chewy has been my faithful friend for ten years now.  He's never been the prettiest of dogs, but he's adorable to me.  And he loves me no matter what!

Hark!!  who's that I hear???

I am honestly dreading the day I will have to say goodbye to Chewy.  We humans have "white coat syndrome" when we visit the doctor, dogs have the same syndrome.  How will I react when the nurse takes him from my hands?  Will they allow me to carry him back there?  Do I hold his head as drugs are administered, or do I just walk out of the door crying, which I will do either way; but then I realized, I don't want him dying alone.  I have to be there with him, there's no question about it.  The vet won't walk him back there, I will do it.  I will hold him as the vet starts administering his drugs.  I will kiss his little wet nose as he drifts off to sleep for the last time.  And  I will take him to his final resting place.

But until that day, I will be grateful for his excitement when I get home.  I will pick him up and hold him tight - and even let him lick my nose!   I won't even complain when he doesn't obey and wants to follow me to the bathroom even though I tell him to "stay!".  I will enjoy everything about him, because there will come that day when I won't hear him scream when I come home;  that he won't follow me to the bathroom and not 'stay', or that I won't hold him close, or let him lick my nose.  It's all a part of the process of learning to say 'goodbye.'



Here's to a New Year!!

Hello all!! My little Chewy and Me Wishing
You a Happy 2014!!!

Isn't it funny how we who blog start off by saying we're going to blog as much as possible - some say every week, others are not so quick to state a quantity.  I started mine in late 2012, so it's been a year since I initiated this blog.  There were times that I blogged every week, other times, it was maybe once a month.  Mostly I blogged due to something that intrigued me, something I was going through, or just wanted to bloviate.  Well, it's been almost six months since my last blog.

It's not a bad thing to hope that we will be diligent at something like a maintaining a blog spot, nor is it bad to let it go for a while.  There are so many reasons why we do let them linger with no new posts.  I can state unequivocally that I've been out of town on several occasions - all for work.  I've been to 10 states I've never visited, and others that I enjoy on several other occasions.  I've even received two stamps on my passport!!  I've even decided that where I want to live when it's time to retire - Rota, Spain!! 

So here's a thought - why do people blog?  Do we really think we have things to share with others that is worth reading?  Maybe we do!  I have a friend read my previous blogs and remarked how much she liked, agreed, and appreciated them. I opened my blog this morning, and voila, it's been read several times since my last posting.  So someone(s) is/are reading them.  Some blogs are insightful, some are so popular they are being circulated as a newsletter.  Mine's isn't at that level, and will likely never be.  But it's mine, and I can bloviate all I want to on it!!  And people actually read them.  Thank You! I really do appreciate it.

 

****************

HAPPY 2014!!!

Today starts a new year - "2014"!!!  I will state - unequivocally - that I will do my darndest to write my musings when something amuses me!  Last year it was bridges, shells, birds, apologies, matters of the heart.  Who knows what it will be this year, but I resolve to post on my blog as much as I can.

So with the new year comes new resolutions (or revolutions like the cute little boy on the AT&T commercial).  I'm not a fan of resolutions because too often we become disillusioned by our lack of resolve - that we break them within the first month.  How many gym memberships go unused after February 15 (random date)?  Or how many diets are blown by the end of January 23 (another random date)?  Remember that blog of following the heart but taking my head along with me?  Yep, blew that one out of the water this year, and yes, it hurt once again.  I think I'm going to stuff my heart in a box and keep it quiet over the next year(s)!  I hate that cliche "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved." (Plehhh!!!) It must have been from someone who never lost - or had a pleasant loss.  I know too many people who have lost and it hurts so bad that they never love again.  And sad to say, they are the ones who hurt.  Who knows about the one they lost (and quite frankly who cares?). 

 

I'm not young anymore. Obviously I've had a birthday this year, and though I won't divulge my age (those of you who know - shhhh!!).  But suffice to say I'm not young anymore.  So if my chances of finding true love (is there such a thing?) are slim to none, if my chances of getting run over by a city bus are greater than those of me ever marrying, then I should do my darndest to make sure I look both ways before crossing a street as I get older, and that my life is set and settled for my prime years ahead.  I can't say that is the case, but here's a resolution/revolution - this year I will start making plans to preserve my later years.  I will really seriously start making plans for when, where and with whom I want to retire. If my Chew-Boo is still around, he will definitely be a part of my growing old days.  I already know where - that's Rota, Spain.  It's BEAUTIFUL!!  It will take several years to get to the point of assuring myself of a comfortable life in my later years, but I will make sure that I accomplish it, and that will be by starting This Year.  No better time than the present to really start!

So, here's to a New Year! Let's all clink our glasses to 2014!! May all the hopes and dreams we resolve to create and accomplish, BE created and may they BE accomplished!! And if not this year, here's to many new years to come so that those hopes and dream will come to fruition!!!!



HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! CLINK-CLINK!!!!

 

 



 

Just My Point of View

I read an article a couple of days ago that gave me pause.  Facebook, the social website which boasts of over a billion (estimate) users world wide, was going to do a better job at blocking "hate-speech" from being posted on its website.   This stemmed from alleged derogatory remarks made toward women.  The article stated that many women's groups were quite upset with lack of Facebook's ability to keep this speech from reaching its website, and the company apologized from using outdated systems in order to catch this type of speech before it hit the world-wide web.  It also promised to do a better job and update its systems.

Now, some may think that I would view this as a good thing.  I mean - I don't like "hate speech" any more than the next lady or gentleman, and especially when I personally am offended by it.  However, it is possible that what I see as offensive may not be viewed the same way to another.  And granted, I'm sure that what was posted and ruffled the feathers of these women's groups, I would also find offensive; but here's the thing - and this is how I truly feel - blocking or removing offensive speech just because it is viewed by certain groups as offensive violates one of our most fundamental and basis beloved rights guaranteed by the First Amendment to the Constitution.  If you forgot what it says, here it is: "Congress shall make no laws ... abridging the freedom of speech...." I purposely left out the remainder since they aren't really relevant to this matter.

Should the mega social network make it its duty to decide what is or isn't offensive, or what should or shouldn't be posted on its website? In my opinion, no, this should not be allowed.  Offensive speech indeed is just that - offensive. Offensive speech's purpose may anger or hurt the readers. But it's still speech, and it's still - from what I understand - defended by the First Amendment.

So why would I be defending offensive speech?  Because - if Facebook has the ability to deem certain speech as offensive due to certain groups not liking it, couldn't it, then, decide that other speech such as political speech, religious speech, or sexual preference speech is offensive and remove it from the website's page?  If it is allowed to block one, what else can it block?  Couldn't it block me from posting anything on its site?  Couldn't it then also block you?

Facebook founders opened themselves up for this kind of speech by opening this site for anyone and everyone to join its social network.  That includes the good and the bad.  Unfortunately, there are words and points of view that I don't agree, but I'm not going to go about demandiing that FB remove the writer from the site.  Why? because we all have the right to free speech.

The Supreme Court, when faced numerous times with the question of what was offensive speech decided that all speech - (except that which incites, or screaming "fire" in a crowded theater) - is Constitutionally protected, and cannot be infringed upon.  Justice Scalia, by far one of the most, if not
the most conservative justices always sides with free speech even when it offends him, like in the flag burning case.  As he said, the guy burning the flag could be the most dastard character, but his freedom of expression (another form of speech) could not be suppressed when he chose to demonstrate it by burning the American flag.  Again, in Hill v. Colorado (2000), a case narrowly related here,  Scalia said something in his dissent that struck me as most poignant here.  He said "[i]f protecting people from unwelcome communications... is a compelling state interest, the First Amendment is a dead letter." (citation omitted.)  Think about it. To protect one group Facebook will infringe on the rights of another?  Does that seem rather ironic?  Could Facebook be compelled in the future to remove the postings of the very same women's groups because someone or some group finds the woment's group's postings as offensive?

So what are we to do when we are offended by something said or written by another?  Well, I know what my actions are when I've been offended by something someone wrote or posted on Facebook. I either hide it, or I unfriend the person who made the statement or posted the offensive speech - and trust me, I've hidden plenty of sites!

It's amazing to me how much power we really do have by just deleting those messages ourselves, or unfriending those sites.  We don't have to be offended and demand it be removed.  We can be proactive and remove it from our page ourselves.  If enough people remove these offensive posts  from their personal sites, maybe then the offender will realize the post was not so fabulous and will remove the post him/herself.  Better that than to experience later that Facebook decides that my favorite daily posting by C.S. Lewis foundation, for instance, is offensive to another and removed from the site.  I might use that delete button on Facebook if it ever makes that move!  But that's just my point of view.

The Apology

Awww.... Who couldn't forgive that little baby!!!

Mom was my fortress. I could turn to her for information, advice, comfort, you name it, I knew she had my back.  But there were times when she was more like a stone.  She had this thing about not apologizing, or admitting she was wrong.  Rather than admit it, she'd turn away and clam up - not saying a word for HOURS.  I often felt like being right wasn't always the best. Ever heard the old adage "if momma ain't happy - ain't nobody happy!"  that was my momma.  Usually I would break the ice between us.  Don't get me wrong, I loved her immensely, she was my rock, and certainly my confidant throughout my life - I miss her to this day.  She just had this way of never admitting that she could possibly be wrong.  I often wondered, "jeez, how hard is it to say I'm sorry, Mom?  Do you know the words?  They're pretty easy to recite...."  Note that I said I'd wonder!  Trust me, I never uttered that phrase to her!!  But... unfortunately I learned that trait from her.  And to this day I find it difficult to apologize.  But an apology from me has to be sincere; it must be heartfelt.

We all know that words can hurt immensely, ...what about actions?  Can actions cause extreme hurt?  And if they can, shouldn't the injured person expect an apology?  What happens to those we injure if we don't express remorse?  Does the hurt go away, or does it linger around festering... leaving the injured wondering why?... what happened.  Don't you think they might just want to hear "I'm sorry I hurt you"; or: "I'm sorry, I was wrong."

Sincere apologies are
 never unappreciated

So does an apology help?  Really??
Here's my answer: it doesn't hurt, that's for sure!   Maybe the healing process begins... maybe the injured person begins to look beyond the hurt and begins to move forward - really start living again.  Maybe it brings closure to the issue.  And maybe - just maybe - a contrite apology brings the two together to heal the rift between them.  It literally doesn't hurt to say those words, "I'm sorry... I never meant to hurt you."

But there's more than just saying "I'm sorry;" complete it with "will you forgive me?"  Anyone can say 'sorry' for this, 'sorry' for that; but a true repentant soul asks for forgiveness.  That request, then, puts the ball back into the injured person's court.  Of course he/she must be willing to accept the apology - holding back nothing - and forgiving. Then!!! true healing begins.

Forgiveness, however, means never throwing the hurt back in the other person's face again, no matter how tough it might be.  Don't keep holding on to that hurt like a badge of - what- I don't know, because in the end it only keeps hurting you.  Furthermore, the roles, then, are reversed and you become the injurer.  It's not fair at all to the person who comes - hat in hand (so to speak) - to apologize. Forgiveness takes real effort, and is a sure sign of strength and maturity. Be a bigger and better person and receive what you wanted, and move on.  You are only hurting yourself, and any other apology that might be offered will likely be less than heartfelt,  and more forced and/or contrived.

Remember, life is way too precious to allow hurt to fester ugliness.  I know I'm full of old adages, but heres a true statement: "To err is human, to forgive, divine."  I've learned to forgive. Bet momma would be proud!